UNDERSTAND

Understanding Grooming

Grooming is about building trust and creating control.

Grooming is a process where someone builds a relationship with a child or young person in order to gain trust, influence their behaviour, create secrecy or make harmful behaviour seem normal.

It does not always look suspicious at first. A person may appear caring, helpful, generous or understanding. They may gradually become an important person in a child's life before introducing pressure, secrecy, inappropriate behaviour or isolation.

Grooming can happen online, in person, or across both.

It can happen to any child, regardless of age, background or family circumstances.

The important thing is not to blame the child.

Children and young people can be manipulated precisely because someone has taken time to build their trust.

How Grooming Can Develop

Grooming does not always happen quickly. It can develop gradually and may involve several overlapping behaviours.

1. Building trust

Someone may take a particular interest in a child, offer attention, praise, gifts or support, or make the child feel understood and special.

2. Creating a connection

They may encourage a relationship that feels different from other relationships.

A child may be told:

"You're different from everyone else."

"You can talk to me about anything."

"Nobody understands you like I do."

3. Creating secrecy

The person may begin encouraging private conversations, secret messages, hidden accounts or information that the child is told not to share.

4. Testing boundaries

Small boundary violations can gradually become more serious.

Someone may test how a child reacts to inappropriate jokes, comments, requests, images, physical contact or conversations.

5. Creating control

Manipulation can involve guilt, pressure, threats, fear or emotional dependence.

The child may eventually feel that they cannot say no, leave the relationship or tell someone what is happening.

Grooming is rarely about one isolated behaviour. It is often the pattern that matters.

Understanding Manipulation

Manipulation can make a child feel responsible for another person's emotions, behaviour or wellbeing. A manipulative person may use:

Flattery

Making a child feel unusually mature, special or important.

Secrecy

Encouraging the child to keep conversations, meetings, gifts or behaviour private.

Pressure

Making the child feel that they must do something to prove their trust, loyalty or affection.

Guilt

Making the child feel responsible for what happens to the other person.

Threats

Using fear, consequences or the threat of exposure to control behaviour.

Emotional dependence

Making the child believe that the relationship is something they cannot live without.

Remember

A child may care about, defend or protect someone who is harming them.

That does not mean the behaviour is safe.

It can be a sign of how effective manipulation can be.

Warning Signs to Look Out For

There is no single behaviour that proves a child is being groomed.

Children naturally change as they grow, and many of these signs can have completely different explanations.

What matters is noticing significant or unexplained changes, particularly when several signs appear together or something simply does not feel right.

Behavioural changes

• Becoming unusually secretive
• Withdrawing from family or friends
• Losing interest in activities they previously enjoyed
• Becoming unusually defensive
• Changes in mood or confidence
• Sudden changes in routines
• Becoming anxious about particular people, places or situations
• Wanting to spend increasing amounts of time alone

Digital changes

• Becoming protective of a phone or device
• Quickly hiding screens or changing applications
• Receiving messages from unfamiliar accounts
• Creating new or hidden social media accounts
• Suddenly deleting messages or browsing history
• Staying online late at night
• Becoming distressed after using a device
• Changes in who they communicate with online

Relationship changes

• Becoming unusually attached to a particular person
• Receiving unexplained gifts or money
• Referring to someone as a "special" friend
• Becoming defensive when asked about a particular relationship
• Appearing worried about upsetting someone
• Suddenly distancing themselves from trusted people

One sign does not mean grooming is happening.

The aim is not to investigate your child. It is to notice changes, stay connected and create opportunities for them to talk.

Online Grooming

The internet can make it easier for someone to build a relationship with a child without parents or carers seeing the full picture.

Online grooming can happen through:

Social media and messaging

Private messages can move conversations away from public spaces and into increasingly private communication.

Gaming and gaming communities

Voice chat, messaging and online communities can allow strangers to develop relationships with children.

Live streaming and video platforms

Interactions can move from public comments into private messages or other platforms.

Apps and online communities

A person may deliberately seek out spaces where children spend time and gradually build trust.

Things to remember

A person online may not be who they claim to be.

A relationship that starts innocently can become increasingly private.

A child does not need to meet someone in person for online grooming to be harmful.

The safest response is not to assume that your child should have known better.

Children need adults they can come to without fear of blame or punishment.

Grooming Doesn't Always Look Like Grooming

One of the most important things for parents to understand is that grooming can be difficult to recognise while it is happening.

Someone may appear:

Kind
They listen and appear supportive.

Generous
They give gifts, money or attention.

Protective
They make the child feel looked after.

Understanding
They appear to understand problems the child feels unable to discuss with others.

Fun
They share interests, games or activities with the child.

Trustworthy
They encourage the child to believe that they have their best interests at heart.

These behaviours can make it difficult for a child, parent or another adult to recognise what is happening.

Look at the whole relationship, not just individual actions.

Why Children May Not Tell Someone

A child may not tell anyone immediately, even when something is seriously wrong.

They may:

• Feel embarrassed or ashamed
• Be frightened of getting into trouble
• Think nobody will believe them
• Worry that they will lose access to friends, games or devices
• Believe they are responsible for what happened
• Feel loyal towards the person involved
• Be threatened or blackmailed
• Be confused about whether what happened was wrong
• Worry about what will happen to the person who harmed them
• Think their parent or carer will blame them

Silence does not mean nothing happened.

Sometimes children need repeated reassurance before they feel safe enough to talk.

Talking About Safety Without Creating Fear

Talking about grooming does not need to be frightening.

Regular, age appropriate conversations can help children understand that they can come to you if something feels uncomfortable, confusing or unsafe.

You can talk about:

Trust

"Who are the people you feel you can talk to?"

Boundaries

"You never have to do something just because someone asks you."

Secrets

"Nobody should ask you to keep a secret that makes you worried or uncomfortable."

Online relationships

"People online are not always who they say they are."

Getting help

"If something happens that worries you, you can always tell me. You won't be in trouble for telling me."

The goal is to make talking about safety normal, rather than waiting until something goes wrong.

What Parents Should Remember

You don't need to be an expert.

You do not need to know every app, understand every online trend or recognise every grooming tactic.

You need to remain connected to your child and be willing to listen.

Trust your instincts.

If something feels different, unusual or concerning, it is okay to ask questions.

You do not need proof before taking a concern seriously.

Don't blame the child.

Responsibility for grooming and abuse lies with the person choosing to manipulate or harm a child.

Keep communication open.

A child who knows they will be listened to is more likely to seek help.

Look for patterns.

One behaviour rarely tells the whole story. Changes over time can provide a clearer picture.

If Something Doesn't Feel Right

You do not have to work everything out yourself.

If you are concerned about something you have noticed, start by talking to your child calmly and without judgement.

Listen to what they want to tell you.

Avoid pressuring them for details or repeatedly questioning them.

If you believe a child may be at risk of harm, seek appropriate professional support.

You do not need to wait until you are certain something has happened.

If there is an immediate danger, contact the emergency services.

For other concerns, our Respond section explains what you can do, who you can speak to and how to report a concern.

Explore the PAG UK Resources

You don't have to remember everything on this page.

We've created practical resources to help you put this information into practice.

Explore our Resource Hub for checklists, guides, safety plans, conversation starters and other materials designed to help parents and carers recognise concerns, have difficult conversations and create safer environments.

Click the link at the bottom of the page.